Life's a Playground, Have fun.

Haha! What?

• Vivian: Your grandmother used to hide in coffins and scare people.
• Vlad: She was a mortician?
• Vivian: No, she just liked to bother people.

Deep thoughts with Jake.

• Me: I'm hungry, but I'm not hungry.
• Vlad: That's deep bro.
• Me: No, I mean like I'm hungry, but I'm afraid to eat.
• Vlad: That's even deeper.

• Me: Does your boyfriend get whiskey dick?
• Friend: No! He doesn't drink whiskey.

Lisa is Asian.

• Lisa: I'm waiting to do anything with a guy until my marriage day.
• Me: Calm down, Mulan. You don't have to worry about "honoring your family"...

Men having to deal with women for eating the apple on the tree.

• "God doesn't hate gays guys. He's just upset that they found a loop hole in the system."
• Daniel Tosh

Why I love my job:

• Me: Would you like to add the salad bar for $2.99?
• Guest: No thank you. We tossed it around for a bit and decided we didn't want it.